Birds and bikes and things.

The thing I'm finding a little challenging lately is how to 'reset' and get back on track after an episode of hypervigilance, stress, worry, physical and mental challenge.  I wonder why I feel so out of practice with that since it used to be a constant part of my life when I was bike racing. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that your nervous system just learns to adapt to adrenaline, and you handle it better. Not sure if that's true but it sounds right to me based on my experience. (to a point of exhaustion, of course, where it's pretty much downhill..been there too). I think what I mean by reset is get back to the same mindset and focus, instead of saying, ok, what was I working on? Do I have deadlines for things that have now suddenly become a week closer while I was pulled away with other things?

Think about how calm and focused seasoned athletes appear to be, all while performing amazing physical and mental feats (of course I'm biased towards bike racing since it's so complicated compared to other sports--another one would be rock climbing)  I miss the mental challenge of staying focused on preparation, and keeping emotions in check until the moment called for an outburst of whatever it took to get you there--courage, belief in your abilities, anger, or just plain 'this is so fast and dangerous and wicked fun but I only have a split second to devote to that thought or I might crash from inattention'.  Now that I think about it, I've only once raced on anger fuel, and despite what I'd previously thought about focus in sport it actually offered a clarity and strength I'd never experienced before. It was a points race on the track in Victoria. Never had I tried to go off the front after sprints like that. I think I came second or third against the men. We're not talking pro here or anything, but I was proud of how I raced, and it turns out it was the last time I ever raced on the track.

I'm really missing the bike, and speed, and what I used to be able to do. My back is still messed up, but I need to try and get back on the bike somehow.The speed won't be an issue when I have Oakley to ride--the only issue is that I don't end up dead trying to do that.  Hence the needing a good trainer.

Vroom, vrooom.(insert reving engine noise)

I'm also missing feeling like I am doing or creating something more tangible.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the experience, be here now sort of thing, but I'm not feeling like I have much to hang my hat on. Weird, I know. I'm not talking anything complex.  I look at the giant garden G has created, the fences he's put up, the pasture he's taking care of--that's something tangible.  For me, I look at clean stalls, paddock, mostly well cared for animals. But what am I looking at? The absence of manure I guess, lol. Does this make sense? I'm subtracting, not adding. This must be an ego sort of thing. Or Id? Or Superego? Someone please explain this to me. Must have something to do with the demise of my career. Dead and buried.

Something I rescued from the duck house yesterday...so little! Another example of how I shouldn't bother trying to wear nail polish:

Ruby throated hummingbird

I'm enjoying volunteering at the Raptor Center and a learn a lot more about avian medicine and husbandry. My crew is awesome and are the closest people I have to 'friends' here. Finally got my paperwork submitted to volunteer with DNR field surveys this summer.  Might still see if I can vollie at  the Wildlife Rehab Center of MN in the waterfowl nursery--but I have to be realistic about my time and other goals--how much will I get out of that? The volunteers have little interaction with vet staff and my friends who were the coordinators of that department are both gone. I enjoyed myself last year but I have a lot more to offer and I need to be where I can actually contribute. Have also thought about volunteering at a nearby wildlife research center that houses wolves and bears and other native wildlife.  I really should pursue that. But again, it's not such a tangible thing.  I want to focus on my riding (horse, not bike) once I find a coach--I only have a few months it seems before the weather turns poor again.

The answer might lie in art. I have a few projects in mind, but perhaps lack the time management skills to fit it in.  I've been wanting to print some of my best photos and see if I can display them in coffee shops and the like, but I need a chunk of time to devote to that as well.

For today, something tangible might just be ripping up the sedges along the side of the house and planting our wildflower mix.  Won't transplant my sunflowers for a while--everything we plant has to be protected from marauding ducks and free-range Queen Lorpie. On the Lorpie front, she's doing pretty well over all. Still moulting, which seems to take forever in Australorps since they are so densely feathered.  She climbed the front steps last night and stood by the door when she was ready to come in, and waits in the kitchen looking up at me like a dog while I make her dinner. Super cute and charming. : )

 

 

 

Well I'm planning to ride this evening with G, so I need to get the bike dusted off and find my gear. Better clean the barn etc before I go because I might just be a little wiped out after the ride...

I'll start a TO DO list for the week that will include some time for me, and see what the animals and the farm have to say about that...; )

Arugula flowers