https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7jWgWHZCPY&t=543s
Several times in my life I’ve experienced extreme pain and fear and anxiety and it’s led to me be more empathic with animals and my animal patients and friends.
When I had pancreatitis I was given opioids for pain, and I experienced hypersensitivity to sounds and light and smells. Even someone walking into the room carrying a coffee was enough to send my gut into painful spasms. At the next vet clinic I worked at I explained this to my coworkers-how as techs we are trained to be quiet around sedated patients due to possible fear and dysphoria, and that bringing food near a pancreatitis case wasn’t good. But it wasn’t until I experienced those things myself that I truly became a better advocate for my patients.
Thoughout that two week hospital stay I heard a message over the hospital PA system at least five times per day–saying that they were overcapacity. Six months later I was back in that hospital for some tests. As I sat in the change room that same message played over the speakers and I began to shake and cry. I was sitting there knowing full well that classical conditioning was at play. I’d never experienced an anxiety attack before. I was an adrenaline junkie when it came to sports and I’d overcome many fears, but this trigger was something new to me.
Yesterday I had Lasik eye surgery and it was ten times more painful than I’d anticipated. I hadn’t had to use visualization and breathing techniques to overcome pain in a very long time (since competitive cycling) so I managed the best I could since I felt ambushed by it. When I sat up after the short procedure I could feel that I was about to cry, but managed to stop myself. ‘cue Rachel’s voice “the pain of the poll pressure had stimulated her fear system which pain always does” I had several hours afterward of escalating pain.
I have a feeling that I’ve become extra sensitized to pain. Not that a traditional M.D. would understand that. Today I feel emotionally spent and vulnerable. I told the doctor today that I felt unprepared for the level of pain that was inflicted on me. I said I would have preferred honesty on their part so I could mentally prepare. He said that not everyone experiences this.
My husband mentioned that he read about a study where pain tolerance was increased when people (athletes in this case) understood that that something would be painful and challenging. (How Bad Do You Want It? Mastering the Psychology of Mind over Muscle. Matt Fitzgerald) People could boost their performance by 15%. Too bad that won’t work with our horses!
My horse Oakley has cross tie issues and claustrophobia. He’d been making small steps in that area until a few months ago when a new farrier grabbed his foot and started at his toe with the nippers. The farrier drew blood. He handled Oakley roughly and cranked his legs up high. The other day my previous farrier was here but Oak kept bolting out of the barn aisle. My farrier made fun of me saying ‘he’s playing with you! see that head shake? he’s playing with you! laugh laugh’. Oak’s neck was rock hard, he was trembling and wide eyed.
So here I am again in recovery from an assault on my senses. Wondering what I can take from it. Perhaps part of it that the relationship is everything. Before Oak’s PPID diagnosis I treated several hoof abcesses of his where he’d stand untethered while I cut in and poked and prodded and soaked and bandaged. I was amazed that although I was undoubtedly causing pain he was standing there as if knowing I meant no harm. I imagine that that’s part of why I become paralyzed with a training mistake because in my life mistakes are punished and from my ethical view I’ve ‘done harm’. Something I’ve vowed not to do. But I’ve also vowed to keep learning.
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