Moving on. Again. Reflection. Making plans for what's next.

It was a tough start to my week, coming home on Sunday after a long drive home from Grand Marais.  G was tired and said he had a brutal headache. I tried to unpack a bit and we chatted, I wanted to know how things had been on the farm, and he wanted to hear about my trip.  Something just felt off.  I suddenly asked him, "is everything ok??" He did that horrible pause that scares me...My heart flipped over a few times.  I don't remember the specifics of what came next, only that he was trying to tell me that little Tulip had died that afternoon.  He kept saying "she passed" and in my shock I just couldn't fathom or accept what he was saying.  Our vet friend texted him in the afternoon to tell him what had happened, and asked what she should do.  He said I was driving so please don't call me, he would tell me when I was home safe.  The I 35 is an awful highway, and you certainly need your wits about you when driving it.

 

An hour after I got home I called our friend, to hear what had happened.  Tulip had continued to deteriorate over the weekend, and she had 40cc of yolk removed one day to help her breath, then the next day R tapped her again and pulled 8cc of clear fluid.  An hour later, she was dead.  I knew she wasn't doing well when I dropped her off with R on Wednesday night, but for some reason I just felt that we would eventually euthanize her.  I didn't expect she would go on her own.  So in future I've asked Glenn to use the words 'dead' and 'died'.  'Passed' might seem like less of a horrible word, but when you are in shock it just doesn't compute. 

 

She was the sweetest and most unique little one! She certainly brightened our days, and Captain Jack's.  He's been crowing incessantly every morning, and yesterday he laid in my arms for quite a while.  Fern the silver laced Wyandotte is in a cage in the dining room, right beside him, so at least he has company.  I'm trying to figure out which little bantam hen I will move inside to be with him. 

***

 

I had started to feel very unsettled when driving home.  I love being in the north and close to those wild places, it feels so right to me!  I really don't know if Glenn knows that about me, that I need to go to those places....Definitely soul food.  Following wolf and deer tracks along the rugged ice-covered shoreline of Lake Superior was so exciting for me-despite it being -30C out that morning! The snow was deep in spots, but I needed to warm up and get the blood pumping to my extremities after standing on ice and rocks for the pre-dawn set up and shooting the sunrise.  I imagined the deer coming down to the water to drink, and to browse on all of the willows and raspberry bushes, all the while with ears attuned to any noise behind them, and noses trying to pick up any whiff of trouble, human or wolf for that matter.  I could tell where the wolf was bounding, as if in chase, versus where he was walking or trotting.  Soooo in my element. : )

The group had gone back to the road already, and I couldn't reach Craig on my cell. I had travelled further south than anyone else and had lost sight of the closest few. I knew approximately how far I'd travelled south along the shoreline.  I couldn't hear any human sounds, only the chickadee I'd been talking back and forth with, and a few noisy ravens.  I picked a beeline back towards where I thought the trail was, and reluctantly headed back through the waist-deep snow, wondering how deer with such long spindly legs could make it seem so easy.  I found the trail but was a little off my mark--I walked about forty feet north before seeing a landmark I'd picked out to remember when I saw it by head lamp light at pre-dawn when we hiked in.  Craig and the instructor were heading back to find me and make sure I didn't fall in the lake when I came out on the north trail.  Luckily they didn't wait too long.

 

I think the other unsettling part about heading home was that I was very aware of loss at that moment.  I had been looking forward to my photography expedition/soul food for months, and I wasn't sure what I had to focus on next.  I think people underestimate how much direction and focus having a job gives them.  I have to set my own goals, my own direction. I didn't mourn not being considered for the TRC job for more than a day.  It would do me no good.  I will focus on what makes me feel happy and alive like being out there alone on that shoreline. 

 

 

***

 

If you never ask, the answer will always be NO. 

(one of the most useful bits of advice G has ever given me)

 

I have a few opportunities that could be really great, but they require effort on my part.  I'm feeling the need to sink my teeth into something rather than what I've been feeling for most of this winter.  It's been a tough winter so it seems I'm just getting by, day to day. We've had some great times and beautiful days here, but I guess I'm a little more driven than I'd thought. 

 

I'll be going to watch my western coach start some young horses next week, and I'm hoping I will learn a lot! I hope she'll let me come out on a regular basis.  I started doing some training with Oakley and Winn this week too--I missed them so much while I was away! The riding ring is still too full of snow to do any riding, so I figured I need to keep them engaged and learning some fun ground work.  I end up smiling the whole while I work with them...and they seem very excited and engaged. (the treats help).

 

I want to start taking lessons again at the barn nearby, and hopefully G can come with me at least on one of the nights.  His travelling schedule is rotten for the next month or so, but hopefully he can come out a few times.  So I will focus on riding, and trying to get in riding shape for when it's safe to ride Oak and Winn, and for when my English coach comes back from NC. 

 

A wildlife photography I met via Facebook has said I'm welcome to come up to Duluth and go shooting with him, so I want to make sure I make that happen!! It's only 2.25h up there, so really not as far as I thought. 

 

Another plan I have is to finally get involved with a place nearby that houses wolves and bears and other native wildlife.  The application process is somewhat annoying, and it's been just enough to keep me from doing it.  But it's not going to happen if I continue to put it off!

Pictures from my trip soon.  Feels like it was a year ago already.